Joyful and Hopeful

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We’re a little late with blogging.

Over the past several years of our journey through infertility, I’ve wanted to blog about what we’ve been through.  I journaled some. But, I never had the time or took the time, really, to put it all into a blog. Honestly, I think I was scared also.  It’s been alot to process through these years.  And it was hard enough to acknowledge and share our feelings with each other, much less the blogging world. I’ve often wanted to collect my experiences with infertility, along with some friends who’ve gone through the same thing, and write a book. And I may still do that one day.  I think its worth it, because being on that journey can feel very isolating for couples. And it’s something the Church needs the tools to acknowledge and minister.

 

But, this blog will not be just about infertility now.

 

We’re pregnant. I am 100%, tested by the docs, confirmed for a couple of weeks, feeling all the early feelings, truly pregnant.  And overjoyed. Our hearts are overflowing with gratitude and amazement.

 

I’m not sure I can put into words how it felt to see those two pink little lines on that first early test.  Complete amazement.  Joy.  Overwhelming love. We both cried and prayed and laughed all at the same time. I couldn’t stop laughing. We called my doctor’s office and left an early morning voice mail for my favorite nurse in the world – I wanted the news to be the first thing she heard when she got to work that day. Because the whole office was sad with us the last time, when our last insemination failed. As brokenhearted as we were the last time, it was somehow a comfort to know that the whole office of reproductive specialists was pretty bummed too.  They have been such a caring, professional, wonderful group of doctors. (I’d be happy to recommend them to anyone in the Atlanta area who’d like a referral) But, anyway, when I called my nurse, it all of a sudden became more than a dream . . . maybe we really were pregnant this time.

 

Turns out it was positive. Super positive. And, over the next week or so, more blood tests show things progressing pretty well.

 

This is a whole new ball game for us, to have good reports from the doctors when it comes to fertility.  We’ve had many, many appointments where things were complicated or tricky or arguments with insurance or worrisome or devastating.  We’ve hoped and prayed and worked for this moment for so long it doesn’t feel 100% real. But it is. I am pregnant. We’ve having a baby. We will be parents soon.

 

It’s so early, our first ultrasound appointment is in several days. And, we realize that, because it’s so early, we need to be aware of the statistics. That this is a very early pregnancy.  But, as much as we’re trying to be realistic, there is that thing called ‘hope’ that just won’t leave us alone.  We are so hopeful. My amazing husband cannot stop smiling. I can’t stop dreaming of the day when I’ll hold this little one in my arms. Hope will not leave us alone and let us be realistic.

 

Maybe we’ve had enough realism over the past 6 years, and this is a chance to have enough hope that we’re brave enough to dream. It’s been a long road: hoping, trying naturally to conceive, frustrations, surgery for me, realizing my precarious chance of ovulation, tests, more tests, wanting to drive our car through the insurance offices, finding the right doctor, tests, treatments, weight loss, figuring out the costs, pills, headaches, injections, stress reduction (yeah, right), inseminations, and then . . . those two little pink lines.

Whatever happens next, I am joyful. Today, I am joyful and thankful.  We will wait and see what’s next for little ‘bean.‘  We will wait for a few more days until we get to hear the heartbeat. Waiting has been a part of my life and faith story for so long it seems that I’m becoming convinced that waiting is a spiritual practice.  I’ve certainly grown in my times of waiting, and I know that Jake has too. We’ve grown together in waiting. In fact, this song has been my heart song on more days than I can count.  And this song. “Watching and waiting, looking above . . . filled with his goodness, lost in his love.”   Yes, that’s my heart song for this week.

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